she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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