not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
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Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.