you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm getting married
To pizza
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
