Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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