I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The feeling are messing with the penis
They are going to name an STD after you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.