Tell her she can't have a vagina
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
