Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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