Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just high enough for therapy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
