if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
