Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
