I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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