went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
They took my balls.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
