I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
