You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The feeling are messing with the penis
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
