So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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