i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
