What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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