FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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