Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
