I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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