My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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