My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
