franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
