the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
