Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
