the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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