Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
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to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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