Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
