2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize