Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
