the condom got lost in my hair
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
