they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
