I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
