we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.