my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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