Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
