Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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