Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
