Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
True strength comes from lack of pants
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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