I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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