I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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