allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
