Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
