How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
