Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
