I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
