I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
my poor anus
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!