I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".