I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face