I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
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just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
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I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away