She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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