I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...