Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.