I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
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whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
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She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.