dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
