Already got asked if we're dating
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
