she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
