you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
