I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
