You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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