sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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